If You Put Gold Leaf on Food, You’re A Moron
Gold leaf is stupid and does not belong on food
So I saw this ad online the other day:
And I suddenly remember my profound hatred towards gold on food.
If you were some ancient royals, who foolishly thought, heehoo, gold, shiny, magic! This will keep me healthy! This will help me live forever! Nom nom nom! That would be understandable.
But if you are a chef in the modern world who put edible gold on food, or a customer who orders food with gold on it, then I have a question for you:
Why on Earth would you do that, you utter prick???
Out of all the food items you can pick, you actively choose to consume a rare, expensive metal?! Only 1 gram of gold can be found per tonne of earth. Gold is so rare, that all the gold that has ever been mined in human history could fit within a 20m cube! Have you considered the resources, the effort spent, just so, that a thin sheet of gold can be pretentiously placed on your food? Only for it to be pooped out, scattered in the sewage system, never to be seen again. Hell, since the gold will disperse in your digestive system, you won’t even see specks of gold in your poop.
All this time and money, wasted, on a tasteless decoration. Do you know that up to 811 million people are suffering from world hunger? Doesn’t matter, your heartless little mind says, I will eat and sh*t gold while I laugh and figuratively spit on poor people.
You do know how tasteless and tasteless that is, right?
I know what you’re thinking: Shirley, isn’t harvesting caviar just as wasteful? Why are you ok with the effort spent catching, killing and harvesting roes from fish that are at least 10 years old? Why don’t you spend the money instead, on buying mosquito nets for Against Malaria Foundation (i.e. the most cost-effective charity according to statistics) to save some lives; or perhaps donate the money to help someone battle against a life-threatening disease? You rebut, pointing your fat finger at me.
Well, firstly, I didn’t buy the caviar dish that’s in the ad.
And secondly, Carol, that’s because caviar actually tastes like something.
The immense effort spent would be all worth it as long as it tastes like joy and wonder, even for just a fleeting second. That’s what expensive food is for — complex taste and textures that make you feel like there’s still a reason to live on.
Compare that to your pointless edible gold decoration that was probably just there to fulfill your need of vanity and the fact that your pursuit of happiness involves getting off on some likes you get on Instagram with your shiny stupid dish.
Chefs, I have seen food that I genuinely want to try, but the very sight of gold on it puts me off.
For example, if I was offered the caviar dish in the ad for free and sans gold, I would have popped it right in my mouth. But now that there’s gold on it, I can’t help but make a disgusted ugh sound while looking at it. You’re saying I get to taste caviar, but that I also need to swallow, what, metal, at the same time? Objectively I know that gold probably tastes like nothing, but my brain’s irrational references can’t stop telling me that it tastes like coins — dirty coins, probably covered in a few strangers’ sweat. My brain was like, seriously, are you sure you want to put that in your mouth?
There was this chocolate croissant that was sold only for a limited time in a local bakery. I’m a chocolate lover and it looked great. I was really planning to go and buy it:
And then what did they decide to do? They put a speck of edible gold on top of the thing.
I was immediately turned off. No matter how good the croissant might actually taste, I am not buying it.
The first food item that planted this seed of fury against gold leaf is this particular monstrosity:
It’s sold at $13 apiece; the only thing that’s making it worth the price is the abhorrent sheet of gold that probably ruins the experience of having an ice cream. How the hell are you supposed to lick that thing? A review said people should take pictures within 2 minutes after purchase, or else the gold will mix and melt into the ice cream. That sentence was so stupid that I can feel my IQ lowering as I try to comprehend it.
Who order wings like the ones above? Wankers. You know, the kind who would buy a $10,000 golden Apple Watch just to show off the fact that they have $10,000.
What kind of chefs make food covered in gold? The kind who can’t attract customers with the good taste of their food alone and can only resort to attention-seeking.
I looked up how gold leaf is made while writing this post. Gold is repeatedly pounded until it is the thickness of one-ten thousandth of a millimeter. Each sheet takes two weeks to make. The manufacture of bamboo paper used to separate each gold leaf was so complicated, it was the topic of another video. Gold leaf was used to decorate temples. A gold leaf maker in the video said the tradition of gold leaf making is dying in Japan so he’s glad now there’s a higher demand for it in the food industry.
There is no deny that making gold leaf is a technique that can be considered as an artform, and that gold leaf makers may have devoted their entire lives to perfecting it.
But they shouldn’t have!
Hammering away at blocks of gold just to make it so that people can eat them and poop them out — why?
TL;DR: I hate edible gold.
A year ago, when I still had a life, I told Chinese idiom stories in English. This post is one of the most popular posts:
5 Chinese Idioms for You to Describe 5 Types of Dumb People
You can call them idiom stories or idiot stories
And this is one of my personal favorites:
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